A Very Expensive Dinner

My friend Theresa called and said she was in town for some sort of business meeting, and that we should get together. So Mark and I went over and met her at the Roseville mall. We found her quick enough, and started walking out to our car when we passed one of those little boutiques. A lady was selling some sort of weird pointy head massager thing. She laid the sales pitch down on us – approached us and started telling us about it while we were walking away and obviously not listening. We ignored her until she said “Are you scared of me!?” To that, Mark replied “Well, you’re chasing after us with a sharp pointy thing!”

Then we went and found something to eat. I figured we’d go to Chipotle -I’d never been and I thought it’d be good. I found one over by the U of M, and with a little trouble we found a parking spot really close to the building. We ate, it was good, and we came back out only to find my car booted. Fuckin’ great. The fee to remove it? $96. For that amount of money, I had to get more out of it than just my car. So first, I stole one of their signs. Muah ha ha. Then I called the number they provided and said….

Me: “Hi!! How are you?”
Them: “I’m fine, how can I help you?”
Me: “I’ve got a boot on my car, and I’d love to pay you $96 to take it off!”

They got my information, and sent someone over. They arrived.

Me: Why $96? Why not $87, or an even $100?
Guy: I don’t know, the manager picks the prices
Me: Well, I hope you take credit cards, or else I’m screwed
Guy: There’s a $3 processing fee for credit cards, and you have to pay the $20 it costs to park here in cash”
Me: Great! You wouldn’t happen to accept bribes, would you? This money could be yours.
*another guy approaches – he sensed trouble*
Guy: No, sorry, I get paid well enough that I don’t have to.
Me: Are you hiring then? Because we’re poor and jobless
Guy: Actually, we don’t hire anyone who we’ve previously booted
Me: You’re full of it. And how the hell did you catch me? We were in there 20 minutes. You got a spy? A snitch? Where is he!?
Guy: No, actually one of the requirements of this job is clairvoyance.
Me: Shut up, seriously, who’s the snitch!?
Guy: …
Me: Hey, where’s this money go? All profit? Starving kids? Poor people? Wildlife?
Guy: …uhh, just sign here *hands me credit card receipt*
Me: Hey, there’s no tip line on this receipt. If you accepted bribes, my money could be ALL TIP.
Guy: Sorry *gets other guy to check all his paperwork*
Me: OOOHHH! You’re new, aren’t you?
Guy: Yes
Me: See, if you were a weathered employee, you’d accept my generous bribes.
Guy: Maybe. Hey where’s the other sign?
Me: Other sign? There was only one when we got here.
Mark: Some college kid must have taken it
Me: Yeah, there’s lots of college idiots running around these parts
Guys: *checked the surrounding area of the car, peers into the windows, walks away*